Parting the clouds – my battle with depression
December 16 2015It’s like a cloud that shrouds your thoughts. It’s like something has stolen your ability to think clearly. It’s like all of the darkest thoughts you’ve ever had, ever, all built into one single moment. In fact, it’s not just “like” it, that’s exactly how it is.
And then there’s this knowing that you need to turn to someone or you need to get better, but you don’t know who or how. Because you’re not thinking clearly, you just meander through your own thoughts…all of them. Even the good thoughts become bad because you convince yourself that nothing good is going to happen.
So, you just wait. You know that at some point you are going to completely break down, you know it’s inevitable. But you know that without that point coming, you won’t fully accept what’s happening. You know you’re not well, but you don’t want to accept it.
Depression is all consuming. It doesn’t just take over how you feel. It takes over your home life, your work, your friendships, everything. When you can’t handle your own thoughts, you definitely can’t handle anyone else’s.
There’s nothing that really pushes you to that moment when you realise how badly you need help. All of a sudden, you just know. You sit there and cry. For me, I cried because I felt relieved that I had finally reached that point. All of a sudden I had some fight in me, a fight to get myself back from wherever I had disappeared to.
Calling the doctor to book an appointment was tough. Sitting in the waiting room was even harder. But, when I finally sat in front of the doctor, I knew I was talking to someone who knew what I was going through. They could see the signs and they knew what to do.
There’s nothing to be ashamed about when it comes to having a mental illness such as depression. I only started taking my medication a few days ago, but already the clouds are starting to part and the bright skies of the future are there. They might still be in the distance, but at least I can see them now.
Someone said to me that “If you have a headache, you take painkillers. If you have depression, you take antidepressants”. I thought that sounded silly at the time, but it’s not. This is an illness and illnesses are curable. I’m not going to says it’s an easy route to being fully recovered, but once you are on that path then you have to keep going.
Always remember that there are others going through depression. You’re never alone. Help will come from those who you least expect it. It’s difficult in the darkest moments to think that there’s a future, but by tackling your illness you will be able to do all the things you ever planned to.
